Evolution

Relationships.

 That one word can bring us warm good feelings or send us running and screaming in the opposite direction.  Unless you’re a hermit up in the hills, you can’t escape it, relationships are all around us. From the moment we’re born we’re in one; the parent-child relationship, which then flows like a river into several others, the sibling relationship, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents.  These are the biological relationships that are decided for you, good or bad these are the first steps of careful navigation.

Friends, acquaintances, co-workers these are the ones we get to choose, in the early days, our parents may choose our friends/playmates. As we grow older we have more say so in whom we let enter into our lives.  For some, it’s the “family” we thankfully get to choose.

Now this being said, all these relationships can add or detract from what we hold of value in our lives.  Each relationship is unique although you can certainly see similarities from one to another. A friend can remind you of a cousin, grandparents can be strict version of your own parents or the total opposite, by spoiling you rotten when you’re a kid.

No matter which one it is, they all go through its ups and downs. It goes through changes, some that are barely noticeable, some that are so dramatic you wonder how your life isn’t nominated for an Oscar or Emmy each year.

Just like the seasons, our relationships go through much needed phases. It is up to us to decide if will survive through each season; will it survive the “harsh winter”, the bad times, and blossom again in the “spring”?  If we don’t adjust to these changes, allow each of the parties involved to grow, express themselves, it will wither like a flower with no sunlight.  How many people do you know that are stuck in a rut, be it a parent & child, always at odds, never willing to hear the other out for fear of losing control? How many siblings hold on to the rivalries and disagreements of our youth? How many grandparents find it so difficult to let go and see their grandchildren as adults with opinions that no longer agree whole-heartedly with everything they say? Do we even begin to ask about the spouses who can’t see past the “person you were when we got married” or are still trying to “mold” them into the perfect spouse to the detriment of the marriage?

As much as we want to be recognized for who we are, we need to also recognize who and why we continue to let people into our lives and to what level we allow their behavior to affect us.

Lighthouse

I’ve always had affinity for lighthouses but, it’s more than just the picture perfect postcard aspect. Certainly we are all aware of their purpose, to guide ships safely home from dangerous areas at sea and through the storms by shining that beacon of light.  This elegantly understated structure, beautifully & prominently perched atop the cliffs, watching over the ships at sea whether its placid or turbulent; much like God protecting, guiding & lighting our way --- all we have to do is seek Him. 

Not only should we constantly seek God’s direction, we need to follow where He is leading us, the timing is hardly ever something that matches our own; be patient, listen, trust. Faith for me is having the courage to move through the uncertainties, the insecurities and fears.

As I ponder the direction of my own life, God has placed a desire in my heart to accomplish more, through assisting and encouraging others, be it by “lending a helping hand”, listening, advising and just being the best person I can be; not for selfish gain, not to be remembered as just having done good things, but to move people to do the same.  Connecting with, one life touching another, encouragement goes a long way; it’s the safe harbor when we feel like we’ve lost our way.

How splendid would it be if we’d all look out for, guide one another, just as that lighthouse on the cliff, following God’s example; shining brightly, that light within, encouraging one another, building each other up, growing in faith throughout life’s journey, in the calm & the storm, illuminating as it should be, the selflessness of extending ourselves for the greater good.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Philippians 2:3-4

"Nobody"

I’m ok with being a “nobody”. I don’t mind having a “small life”, living simply. Now by no means when I refer to being a “nobody” or “small life” do I myself consider it to be insignificant- quite the contrary, the terms “nobody” and “small life” refer to “the world’s or society’s view of success”. 

For me even the smallest details of my life hold great significance. These details are like pieces of a puzzle; events, people, places all fitting together for the larger picture, “a greater purpose” if you will.

As a young teen, “making it BIG” was being anywhere but living in the projects (subsidized housing) and making more money than I could spend in one lifetime.  Today, I have quite a different view, at this stage in my life it takes on a whole new meaning for me. Enjoying my simple life (even when filled with the daily chaos of work, school schedules, family activities, etc) is always a balancing act of sorts; family, friends, healthy choices, the ability to work to support my family, getting to know who I am, being comfortable in my own skin, embracing the good & the bad, all along knowing that God allows these things to happen for a greater purpose, HIS purpose. This is easier said than done at times, however, when I tend to get anxious and fall into the “trap” of comparing myself to what the world deems as success, with the barrage of messages from the media and sometimes from those around me, I take time to pray, I make it a priority to make time for God.  For me, it can be as simple as shutting my eyes for a brief moment & taking a few deep breaths, sitting out in the backyard and listening to the leaves rustle in the breeze, or reading verses in the Bible until I’m at peace.  One verse in particular has been “calling out” to me:

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I’m human, I’m not perfect, I’ll make mistakes along the way; stumbles along the way are inevitable, but knowing I’ll get through it…whatever “It” is, with God’s help gets me through.  I’m not always happy during the struggles, but then again, who is?... when I take that moment or two, and meditate, pray, reflect on the lesson that is to be learned, I’m grateful, stronger and able to pass along any insight gleaned and encourage those who may be going through something similar. 

 Having faith, the process of and the determination to continue to grow in my faith allows me never to let my life get completely out of hand, or bigger than what God is meant for me to handle at any given time.

Again I say, so what if I’m a “nobody” according to the world, I am a “somebody” and valued by God and THAT is what matters.

HOME

HOME… a simple word that can mean so very much & can be perceived in many different ways; to some, it may just be a physical place – a residence, an apartment, condo or house you go to at the end of a very busy day. For others, it can be a longing, a reminder of emptiness, a place filled with memories they’d rather forget. For some it’s a physical place, and a feeling of comfort or just the feeling itself no matter where you might be.

There’s a well known saying “Home is where the heart is”,  I’ve come to realize either through experiences or just the fact that I’m “getting older” this has become truer than ever for me.

Throughout my life, I have had many “homes” not all where a physical residence for an extended period, but the feelings of LOVE, Belonging, Peace, & Joy – “home” has been time spent with a dear friend, being a “source of comfort or encouragement” for someone, an unspoken understanding with a family member or close friend (because we know each other so well), a familiar sound or scent can create that as well.

During a conversation with my daughters the other day, they mentioned how much they enjoy the new neighborhood and house we recently moved into & both mentioned in unison that this “really feels like home”.  I smiled and knew exactly what they meant because I feel this way too, maybe because of the neighborhood’s location, the tree-lined streets, the numerous neighbors taking early evening strolls, the fact that in an odd way the increase in square footage inside and out somehow brings us closer together (the mere fact that we’re not living “all on top of each other”  eases the need for “more space”), perhaps it’s the combination of these things that allow for more of a family connection and those very feelings represent “home”.

These circumstances that lead me here, today, the memories, the experiences that allow me to “feel” home in a myriad of places are all due to the grace and love of God.  Not all my experiences and lessons have been pleasant ones, however, with by the pure Grace of God, He has “picked me up & dusted me off” to start anew, even when my strength isn’t enough, I lean on HIM and that glorious grace, well that is the ultimate feeling of “HOME”.  Trusting in HIM, and learning that it’s His purpose and timing (not mine) – that’s the “home” here on Earth.

As I reflect on these events, places and people that gave me that “home” feeling brought to mind some family and friends that are no longer here with us and some that may be leaving us sooner than we’d like.  I am saddened (selfishly wishing I had them here moments longer) yet I am filled with an unexplainable peace.

It’s human nature to fear (even for a moment) leaving “this world” – but blind faith & the realization that even our greatest day on Earth pales in comparison to the Beauty & Everlasting Love of Eternity with God.

“HOME”.

Cries of Change

She’s gone --- or shall I say that person never really existed; that blurry “vision”, that what was “to be expected”, that never truly manifested into being.

The “take one for the team” the “do what you have to do” – it’s all well and good until someone gets hurt; how long can that last? Until someone does –hurt?

That attitude of get it done at all costs is great for some things, however, how does it help when all the drive is “a means to an end”? When it becomes your life and doesn’t allow you to enjoy the “life” you’ve tried so hard to build in the minefield of experiences you’ve had to navigate since childhood.

I often feel as if I’m doing a disservice to those I hold so dear. The “put on a brave face” and get through it learned behavior. What seemed like a good idea at the time and a way to cope that now seems to have had damaging effects.

How incredibly horrible it is to feel that while everyone says “be yourself” the “yourself” you are is not allowed to have “an off day”; perfection must prevail or “all the pressures” of life are somehow deliberately & maliciously tossed to someone else; not so. Heaven forbid I should be allowed to be human, want more out of these limited days we are all given.

I have no idea who this girl was “supposed to be”; the big bold attitude, the brave face put on for the world is now a suffocating mask hiding all that was to be.

Peeling back the layers of this facade cause pain not only for the wearer of this mask but for those closest to her; those who do not understand the need to remove this falsehood, nor do they comprehend (and in most cases refuse to acknowledge) the deep cries of pain this metamorphosis causes.

Not knowing who you are, is quite painful and just the realization of “this can’t be all there is” –is enough to bulldoze the strongest of spirits, with the tiniest weak spot.

Contributions to “this life” that “just is” are not appreciated, so how can it be expected that the excavation of self be a welcomed event? Foolish to believe that someone, anyone would understand.