Loving Through the Ugly

I'm a parent, most days my kids bring me great joy, other times not so much. On those "not so much" days I want to pack my bags and come back when they're grown. As a responsible parent,I know I can't do that; its just a crazy fantasy to get me through their moments of bickering.

The latest "battle" stems from them sharing a bedroom. Each one wants the other to take the extra bedroom once their older brother moves out. Each one complains endlessly about the other, some valid points, mostly whining and selfish desires.

My oldest daughter tried to get me to take her side, by saying the youngest is messy and rude. At my wits end, I answered back "sometimes you just have to love through the ugly".  Now I'm a parent who likes to use small everyday events as teachable moments. In that instant, I knew our Heavenly Father was using this moment with my children to teach me as well.

You see, at some point in our lives and relationships, be it parent & child, siblings or husband & wife we have to love through the ugly. This by no means is a free pass to allow people mistreat you on a regular basis. What I'm trying to convey is that people including you and I, will have moments of ugliness. Occasions where we are less than grateful, courteous, understanding or loving. In these instances, wouldn't you want someone to be patient, kind & understanding enough to love us through our "ugly"?

It isn't easy, or even remotely pleasurable; more like waiting out a horrific storm. You don't have to agree with the transgression, but be wise enough to step back, let go of the need to be right, and go about your life. I can't promise that everything will turn out to our liking, but we have to try to see if the good out weighs the bad. Emotions, as wonderful as they are can often distort the truth when that's all we're focused on.

In teaching my girls this lesson, I'm thankful that God has loved me through many of my ugly moments, aren't you?

John 15:12 (NIV) - My command its this: Love each other as I have loved you.

Mrs. Rumble

Sweeter than perfume and  freshly baked cookies,

Hugs so good the warmth would last for days on end.

A smile so bright it was only outdone by the sun,

Gentle, soft spoken, in the presence of love.

That was Mrs. Rumble, our next door neighbor when I was just a little girl. She was my "extra grandma", and I was her "sweet little girl". Now looking back, she had the patience of a saint, listening intently to a four year old and my endless gibberish, my thousands of questions about her life, her family who lived far away, her perfect white hair and how she knew how many marshmallows to make the hot chocolate taste just right. She'd knock on our door to check in on the young mother (my mom) with the most inquisitive little girl in our building, yes that would be me. She never grew tired of my boundless energy and often asked me about my adventures as a "big girl" now in preschool.

My favorite moments were during Christmas, when entering her apartment was like entering Santa's workshop itself. Her knack for decorating her tiny little one bedroom apartment better than Macy's Christmas display on 34th street was unbelievable. The little villages set up under the tree, with the tiny homes and ice skating figurines were my favorite. It was as if I was transported to another place and time.

That was Mrs. Rumble, no matter the season, the time of day, in her presence you were transported to a place of pure love; a truly genuine person, who loving reminded me of my "please and thank you's", 

When circumstances caused our neighbors and my family in our tenement building to move away, it was a sad day indeed. Mrs. Rumble moved to  a farm in the Mid West with one of her children, I was told.

Although she is long gone, her presence in my life a remains a lovely memory and I've been blessed to have her in my life. I thank God for her and all the other Mrs. Rumble-like people He's placed in my life since then; it serves as a reminder of the person I'd like to be.

Chalk Outline

There's a chalk outline where family used to be.

Stark contrast to what once was

There's  a chalk outline where family used to be.

Cold and wounded for all to see

There's a chalk outline where family used to be.

Caution tape and cries they refuse to hear

There's a chalk outline where family used to be.

Pointing fingers, tossing blame

There's a chalk outline where family used to be.

Denial, anger, mourning

There's a chalk outline where family used to be.

I can't be the only one to notice

There's a chalk outline where family used to be.

"A Good Fitting Bra"

Oh, how I love a good fitting bra. It is beyond comfortable, makes me feel confident and pretty. 

On the contrary, an ill fitting bra can be like torture; it pinches if its too tight, the straps can dig

in or fall and fail to support you when you need it most.


A good fitting bra, a really good fitting one isn't as easy to find as one would think.  It takes time

and energy to get right fit, and not to mention it's sometimes pricey.


A good support system, a close knit group of friends is just as important to me as that coveted

good fitting bra. Good friends support you, hold you close without smothering you, protect you

from potential embarrassing situations. You feel confident, pretty and ready to take on the world,

or you can just enjoy the comfortable fit. We need that perfect friendship fit and just like that

wonderful good fitting bra there can be a high price to pay if we don't take the time to develop

these relationships.


How many good fitting bras do you have in your life?

Evolution

Relationships.

 That one word can bring us warm good feelings or send us running and screaming in the opposite direction.  Unless you’re a hermit up in the hills, you can’t escape it, relationships are all around us. From the moment we’re born we’re in one; the parent-child relationship, which then flows like a river into several others, the sibling relationship, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents.  These are the biological relationships that are decided for you, good or bad these are the first steps of careful navigation.

Friends, acquaintances, co-workers these are the ones we get to choose, in the early days, our parents may choose our friends/playmates. As we grow older we have more say so in whom we let enter into our lives.  For some, it’s the “family” we thankfully get to choose.

Now this being said, all these relationships can add or detract from what we hold of value in our lives.  Each relationship is unique although you can certainly see similarities from one to another. A friend can remind you of a cousin, grandparents can be strict version of your own parents or the total opposite, by spoiling you rotten when you’re a kid.

No matter which one it is, they all go through its ups and downs. It goes through changes, some that are barely noticeable, some that are so dramatic you wonder how your life isn’t nominated for an Oscar or Emmy each year.

Just like the seasons, our relationships go through much needed phases. It is up to us to decide if will survive through each season; will it survive the “harsh winter”, the bad times, and blossom again in the “spring”?  If we don’t adjust to these changes, allow each of the parties involved to grow, express themselves, it will wither like a flower with no sunlight.  How many people do you know that are stuck in a rut, be it a parent & child, always at odds, never willing to hear the other out for fear of losing control? How many siblings hold on to the rivalries and disagreements of our youth? How many grandparents find it so difficult to let go and see their grandchildren as adults with opinions that no longer agree whole-heartedly with everything they say? Do we even begin to ask about the spouses who can’t see past the “person you were when we got married” or are still trying to “mold” them into the perfect spouse to the detriment of the marriage?

As much as we want to be recognized for who we are, we need to also recognize who and why we continue to let people into our lives and to what level we allow their behavior to affect us.

Be it a whisper or a scream, I have a voice, do you even hear the sound?

Do you hear me? Are you listening?

As I look upon the title I have given my Blog, “This Woman’s Voice”, I have to say it came quite naturally and is indeed appropriate.

I write because it is me, it’s who I am, it’s the breath in my lungs, the blood coursing through me veins to deny this would be to ask me to cease to exist. It’s the release of pressures, the melting away of sadness and doubt, the food for a creative soul reaching out to the world, looking inward to water a seed that so needs to be nurtured in order to blossom into something I am meant to be.

To share subtle thoughts, feelings, bold opinions, the spark that starts wonderful conversations or a raging debate, the exchange of ideas is invigorating. I hope that somehow my life’s experiences, those heartfelt expressions evoke emotion and change in others and give me the strength to push forward.  I pray they bring comfort to those that need it, tough love lessons to those that deserve it and a wakeup call sounding the alarm.

I have been told that I write solely because I feel “the need to have the whole world hear me”. It’s so much more than that, but I cannot discount that there is some merit to that somewhat painful comment.

I do write for the very reasons I’ve mentioned earlier, and yes, I write to be heard. Who on this earth wants to be forever silenced, to have so much to say, to open their mouth and not a sound to be heard? Perhaps I continue to write because quite often I’ve felt that those closest to me have never taken the time to not only hear me but to truly listen to “my voice”.

Kaleidoscope

I saw a striking photograph today and the form of the object and reflections from the sunlight reminded me of a kaleidoscope. It brought me back to a time in my childhood when things were so beautifully simple. The memory that flashed in my mind was that of me enjoying this simple toy, outdoors, my little face lifted up soaking up the sunlight, gentle breeze slowly swaying my ponytail back and forth.  Looking through that kaleidoscope, twisting it this way and that, those bright bold colors creating unimaginable shapes, simple yet so beautiful.

That’s when it dawned on me; I want my life to be like that kaleidoscope.

[1]Wikipedia defines a kaleidoscope “as a circle of mirrors containing loose, colored objects such as beads or pebbles and bits of glass. As the viewer looks into one end, light entering the other end creates a colorful pattern, due to the reflection off the mirrors.”

Now let’s think about that for a minute, what better way to describe a joyous, purposeful life. How many times have we felt that life has given us loose ends, pieces that one couldn’t possibly think would fit together, let alone create something interesting, bright, bold and beautiful.  Everyone prefers shiny pretty beads to pebbles and bits of glass, but life has a way of tossing in those annoying “pebbles”, things we’d rather not do, jobs we might not be fond of, events that are just downright bothersome, sometimes even people. Bits of glass, those sharp unexpected shards that cut, sting, hurt and make us bleed in one way shape or form; those emotional upsets that at times stop us in our tracks even momentarily. Those mirrors and reflections from the light, how you present yourself to the world, how you hold yourself accountable for your actions, how others perceive you; separately it seems like one colossal mess and yes, it can be just that, a big mess, if we choose to see it that way.

I’d rather combine it all, the pretty bright happy moments, the life lessons learned with the pebbles and bits of glass, never easy but in hindsight so incredibly valuable, they are in a way the small gifts of wisdom we collect over time. The mirrors showing us what we’ve done, the good or bad, reflecting who we are or what we will become and the light, yes the light, the guidance of God. That light can be warm and comforting or bright and glaring as need be in that particular moment of our life.

Together the combination of forms, colors and shapes our lives can take is unimaginable. The excitement, joy and uncertainty of the new, the learned experiences of the past working as one to create something unique is a Blessing.

I may not know exactly what life has in store, or where I’m headed but I will try my best each day to remember that be it a shiny pretty bead, a pebble or a bit of glass, it will come together in the end just fine as long as the reflection in that mirror continues to bask in the glow of the light.

[1] From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia  2011

---

Society needs GPS, we've certainly lost direction.

In light of recent events in Tucson, AZ once again I take time in my busy life to truly count my Blessings.  Yet again, it was “just another ordinary day” for many people in that city.  Let me start by saying that my prayers go out to the families that were directly affected.  I cannot even imagine the pain and hurt Christina Taylor Green’s family (the 9yr old girl who died that day) is going through and all the healing that will need to take place in the years or even decades to come.

I am always happy to hear the updates on the progress Rep. Gabby Giffords is making.  She was there amongst “the people”, reaching out to the community, meet and greets, answering concerns of the people she represents.

I am even saddened by the pain the family of shooter must be feeling. They also must be going through the “why did this happen?” as most of us are wondering as well.

How is it that the greatest nation in the world cannot seem to disagree without violence? Now I’m not sitting here with “rose-colored glasses”, I know that throughout history there have been turbulent times, marches that turn into riots when protestors get out of hand, cowards who prey on the unsuspecting public, it seems never ending but it still does not make sense to me. 

We’ve all had a “heated” discussion or disagreement but does it ever need to escalate to such a level where innocents lose their lives? No, it does not.

Another question that continues to come up is whether or not if “the average Joe” would have received the same media attention and superb medical treatment as Rep. Gabby Giffords.  Again, I am overjoyed at the progress of her healing, but I just can’t help but wonder…if that was my neighbor, your neighbor, a paycheck to paycheck citizen, a homeless person caught in the cross-fire, would all the same resources be available? The very fact that this question even has to be asked is embarrassing and troubling to me. (And I don’t doubt that somewhere out there someone else was probably asking themselves this very question) In a “perfect” world, this wouldn’t even exist, but then again, this world is far from perfect these days. 

Another thing I just cannot comprehend is how or why we as individuals, a nation tend to focus so intently on the negativity around us.  I don’t proclaim to be the poster child for positive thinking all day, every day, but I try daily to get myself in that mind frame and more and more want to believe that there is more good than bad in the world. Does that make me foolish or optimistic?  I struggle, just like most, but there has to be a way to “agree to disagree” to “hear out” others around us without shutting out possibilities for change, for improvement, without killing each other.

There will always be disagreements, neighbor vs. neighbor, students & teachers, parents & children, Republicans & Democrats. How can we look our children in the face, preach to them to “work it out”, “get along” when adults have such a bad track record at this? 

How do we begin to “get there from here”? These events bring forth more questions than answers, but can we turn this into an opportunity to be open to working towards bettering ourselves, our families, our communities, our nation and God willing our world?...

Organic vs. Preservatives & Pesticides

It’s all the rage these days…you hear it everywhere – Organic or Preservatives & pesticides?

How about we go a step further and ask ourselves this question…NOT about our foods, but about our lives.

Are we living “organically” or are we filling up our lives with useless time consuming “preservatives” making everything last longer than it should & look pretty on the outside? Are we using excuses like “pesticides” and telling ourselves it’s for our own good?

Think about it for a minute, how many of us are truly living life as we should? Are we truly happy?  Do we just exist in “obligation mode” doing one thing after another just because it has to get done? What the hell kind of living is that?  Now, I’m not advocating to release yourself of all your responsibilities like caring for your needs or that of your family…no, you should still work or go to school and pay your rent / mortgage, because Lord knows, YOU’RE not staying here with me without a J-O-B.  (LOL). So all my friends and family better keep their jobs and stay in their OWN houses…(LOL)

What I’m wondering is how many of us, really get to know ourselves before diving head first into other relationships or the labels society (and sometimes we do it too) places on us, like parent, child, student, employee, wife, mother, etc. Did we take time to cultivate our talents, our curiosities? Is there a time when people just give up, and why?

Is it ok to dream the impossible dream in adulthood? Remember that grand imagination and the “nothing can get in my way” attitude we had in our youth? Dreaming is great if it doesn’t get in the way of life, right? But can you really live a life without a dream? 

You always hear about being true to yourself (organic); doing what you love, but what if you love SO many things? How do you narrow that down & if you do, are you cheating yourself out of something potentially great? I often ask myself how many other people feel like there are not enough lifetimes to get it all done. Does anyone else out there “go with the flow”, “go through the motions” just because its easier than having that “check & balance” conversation with yourself and laying it all out there? Those are the “preservatives” I’m talking about, the “let me just do this” to make the peace, the “I’d better just go” because I have to.  How many of us hide behind our excuses? Ok, fine, I’ll say it…I’ve done it more than once. How about you? You can get through it for a while and if you have a shred of “sense of self” that nagging feeling comes to haunt you like a pimple coming to the surface on school picture day; its big, its there, staring you right in the face and like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction it “won’t be ignored”!!!

I can speak for myself, right now if there was such a thing as “career-oriented” ADD, I’d be the one to have it. Seriously, I’ve made lists, I’ve talked to people, I’ve prayed and prayed some more, I’ve cried, I’ve gotten angry at my jobs, at my bosses and at myself.  I guess putting it nicely and as comically as I can, my list of things I have done would have some peoples head spinning, it’s like following a road map with 97 loopdy-loops.

So I will wake up another day, take a long hard look at myself and ask…who are you? What have you learned from what you’ve done thus far? And where do we go from here?...

Celebration Tree

It’s January 16, 2011 and yes, my Christmas tree is STILL up. Yes, I know...It’s the middle of January and my tree is still up.

It’s an artificial tree but the emotions derived from its presence are anything but.

It was my first white tree, much like a blank canvas, I suppose that is the spark that started it all in the first place. The creative soul in me just had to have it; so up it went, the lights, like the sparkling stars in a beautiful night’s sky, the shiny bulbs reflecting the light and all the little extras that made it “just right”.

Now I know the tree has become the symbol of the Christmas season, the birth of Christ, the good in mankind, the hope for better days. My question to you is … “why stop there?”…just because the calendar says so? …No, not for me. I like the way it makes me feel and I’m not ready to “take it all down and put it away in a box”; to be contained until someone deems it proper to bring out again.

It’s become more than a “Christmas tree” to me this year. It’s a reminder to celebrate, to reflect, and to take a moment to enjoy the glow.

Listen, life can be hard, this simple little tree is a big reminder that I am not alone in life’s struggles, in its twists and turns and unexpected moments.

Whatever you believe…in God, the Universe, in Mother Earth, the knowing, and the blind faith that something, someone much bigger than us can help us through is of great comfort to me.

Right now, it’s not a Christmas tree, it’s become my “Celebration tree”, it’s been there while we brought in the New Year, and it will still be up throughout the month of January as we celebrate both of my lovely daughters’ birthdays. Perhaps, I’ll hang Valentines and cupids on it in February or President’s Day momentos my little one makes at school.  We’ll have shamrocks and leprechuans in March along with spring flowers and Easter eggs as we go into April.

Maybe, just maybe, we’ll celebrate the most random or “everyday” things, like finishing all the homework or getting dinner on the table on time and no one complaining, or even rejoice in the fact that the dog didn’t steal a piece of chicken from anyone’s plate.

Who says that the calendar has to dictate what, when and how I choose to celebrate, acknowledge and experience the moments in MY life …in my family’s life.

No, it’s “not normal”, it’s not conventional, but then again, anyone who REALLY knows me knows how I struggle with the whole “fitting into the norm” thing…who wants that? A world full of all the same, no quirky differences; So there it is, that simple little tree in the corner shining bright in the darkness of the room, the flood of emotions that fill me as I gaze upon it…the peace, the glowing lights, the sheer joy brings forth hope, excitement and anticipation of a new day--- a new beginning.

The great reminder of how I felt all those years ago, as a small child on Christmas morning.  I want that--- I need that… to greet each day with the same hopes and excitement as a child greets the long awaited Christmas morning.

So there my tree stands, to remind me of my Blessings, to remind me to greet each day with joy and eagerness, to be open to what God lays before me, to rejoice in whatever brings a smile to my face, to fully experience this life of mine, to take the good with the bad, ride the highs and hang tight through the lows.

So I sit here in the room enjoying the glowing lights on this tree—our “Celebration tree” , with a renewed spirit and determination to enjoy the life I’ve been given, be who I am, have the fearlessness and wonder of a child--- ready to do more than merely exist, to experience and be engaged in the moments of my life.

Yes, it’s January 16, 2011 and my tree is still up.