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Monday, March 21, 2011

Cries of Change

She’s gone --- or shall I say that person never really existed; that blurry “vision”, that what was “to be expected”, that never truly manifested into being.

The “take one for the team” the “do what you have to do” – it’s all well and good until someone gets hurt; how long can that last? Until someone does –hurt?

That attitude of get it done at all costs is great for some things, however, how does it help when all the drive is “a means to an end”? When it becomes your life and doesn’t allow you to enjoy the “life” you’ve tried so hard to build in the minefield of experiences you’ve had to navigate since childhood.

I often feel as if I’m doing a disservice to those I hold so dear. The “put on a brave face” and get through it learned behavior. What seemed like a good idea at the time and a way to cope that now seems to have had damaging effects.

How incredibly horrible it is to feel that while everyone says “be yourself” the “yourself” you are is not allowed to have “an off day”; perfection must prevail or “all the pressures” of life are somehow deliberately & maliciously tossed to someone else; not so. Heaven forbid I should be allowed to be human, want more out of these limited days we are all given.

I have no idea who this girl was “supposed to be”; the big bold attitude, the brave face put on for the world is now a suffocating mask hiding all that was to be.

Peeling back the layers of this facade cause pain not only for the wearer of this mask but for those closest to her; those who do not understand the need to remove this falsehood, nor do they comprehend (and in most cases refuse to acknowledge) the deep cries of pain this metamorphosis causes.

Not knowing who you are, is quite painful and just the realization of “this can’t be all there is” –is enough to bulldoze the strongest of spirits, with the tiniest weak spot.

Contributions to “this life” that “just is” are not appreciated, so how can it be expected that the excavation of self be a welcomed event? Foolish to believe that someone, anyone would understand.

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